It was super pretty Saturday morning with the sun shining on the snow covered trees! We had a bit of digging out with 18" of snow!
I purchased my ski pass on line and was happy to see, no walkers on the ski paths! Freshly goomed trails are always the best! Just a little unhappy with people taking up both tracks and not moving over.
I no longer have ear buds or a iPod to listen to music. I need to get some wireless buds and get some music on my cell phone to listen to while skiing. Otherwise it's just too quiet.
I had a lot to think about while out skiing. I used to work though all while out on a run to clear my head and think clearly about any issues. I just received a xmas card from my mother. So very unexpected, but somewhat not surprising either. Again, I received another check for $250 just like my birthday. I am always torn with what todo. Do I cash it? Send it back, or just do nothing with it? If I cash it, do I give it to my kids to help with some college expenses?
What I really want from my mother is not a check. I want a true "I'm sorry". She caused a lot of pain the last 17 years with telling me to let her go. Giving me the silent treatment and thinking I only wanted her money and not a mother in my life. I just said I wanted to be treated the same and equal as my sister. It was too much to ask, so I was to be let go. She made her clear choice. I'm disposable and clearly my sister remains the favorite, her best friend.
I did end up cashing the check and will give Celina and Logan each half to help with college expenses. I don't want her money. I still crave that apology after all these years. I'm tempted to write and let her know that this is what I want, not her money. Just a I am sorry for the pain I caused all these years. It won't change any contact with her in the future. I let her go years ago and even with an apology, I don't trust her. I don't want to put myself in a position to get hurt again and I've moved on. She and my sister are the two people in the entire world I do not wish to ever be in the same room with. The last time was at my oldest daughters wedding. While we never spoke or crossed paths, I was shaking mad and hurt the entire time. Unable to relax and enjoy the day with my daughter. I would like some closure but I do know even asking for an apology would be too much. She would just say it to pacify me and I doubt cares of the pain inflicted. I no longer desire a relationship with my mother. That door shut long ago. I just don't want to have any regrets and I feel like this would be my open door to let her know that I still want a sorry from her. Will I believe it? Do I think she feels blame? I don't know. I did as asked years ago and let her go. I suppose by even writing back I didn't fulfill my part of letting her go, requesting an anything of her might be breaking the let go.. I'm not sure what is the right thing todo.
After that first check and birthday card, I did tell her I gave it to my kids for college. That was my "wish"for the gift of money. To help my children. As a "wish for the money" was told how to spend it. My real wish is to just not get any money, but a sorry! to be continued....
No comments:
Post a Comment